After My Loss

I need to talk about my loss...
I may often feel the need to tell you what happened – or to ask you why it happened. I am struggling with many whys. I may need to ask this question again and again until either I find the answer or I am able to accept the fact that there is no answer.

I may frequently need for you to listen while I explain what this loss means to me...
Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself to face the reality of the death of my loved one. I may cry when I talk about my loss… I hope you don’t mind... and I hope you won’t feel too uncomfortable. Tears are an important part of my recovery; tears also help to relieve my stress. You may want to cry along with me. It’s very comforting when you do.

Try not to judge me now – or think that I’m behaving strangely...
Remember that I’m grieving; I may even be in shock. I am struggling to cope with many frightening thoughts and unwanted feelings, and to live in a world that now no longer includes my loved one. I may feel overwhelmed. I may feel afraid, I may even feel guilty. I may also feel rage or deep despair, and I may confuse easily. I may realize I am becoming more and more forgetful, and at times I may even believe that I am losing my mind. But above all, I hurt. Grief is a pain that is unlike any pain I have ever felt in my life.

I need to know that you care about me...
I need to feel your touch, your hugs. But don’t worry over what to say to me about my loss. I won’t remember anyhow.  I need you just to be with me. And I need to be with you. Please don’t leave me alone for long periods of time feeling that your presence would be an intrusion.  More than ever before, I need to be with people who care about me. If you can’t be with me, your phone calls, your letters, or even short notes sharing your thoughts and feelings about the loss of my loved one will help me far more than you may ever know. Its comforting to me to know that you share my grief.

Sometimes when you ask what you can do to help, I honestly don’t know...
There are many days when I don’t know what my needs are anymore. I don’t have the answer to a lot of questions right now. Often I can’t answer you because my mind behaves as though it has shut down. It’s very helpful when you can take on this initiative for me, and even though you may have asked me to, please don’t always wait for me to call upon you when I do need some help. It is so hard for me to think or to plan right now.

I need for you to believe me...
I need for you to believe in my ability to get through this grief in my own time and in my own way. Please don’t tell me that its time for me to get on with my life. I am probably already saying this to myself. Everyone is different. Each loss is unique. I may move through my grief more quickly that another or I may move more slowly. I just need for you to be patient with me and try to understand.

Please don’t tell me that you know just how I feel...
No one will ever really understand just how I feel. In your desire to comfort me, don’t offer comments like “you’re attractive, you can marry again” or “now, now, don’t cry, you must be strong” or  “you can always have another child” or “you’re lucky it was only your mother.”

Please don’t tell me that this death was really God’s will, or that He needs the presence of my loved one more than I do...
This causes me to doubt God during a time when I need Him most. Please, don’t suggest that I take a pill or offer me an alcoholic drink to help me get through this time. Rather, encourage me to eat properly, to rest, and to exercise and as much as I am able to, to maintain a healthy life-style.

Don’t be concerned if you think I am getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward again...
Grief makes me behave this way sometimes. I am learning that the waves of grief will come and go in my life but they wont always come with such force or such frequency and one day, hopefully they won’t come at all.

And finally, please give me the time I need to grieve and to recover...
I want to get on with my life, but I know that first I must walk through dark shadows of my grief. I need to meet it head-on and to master it, not to pretend that it isn’t happening, not to hide my pain deep within me where it will fester and erupt later. I will never recover from my loss if I do not complete the work of my grief. Although it is almost impossible for me to believe this now, I know that one day my grief will end.

Most of all, thank you for just being my friend...
Thank you for your patience, thank you for being here for me, for caring, helping and understanding. Thank you for praying for me. Remember, in the day, weeks, or years ahead, after you experience a loss, when you need me as I have needed you, I will understand and I will come and be with you.